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Haggis Cola Hits The Spot

June 5, 2009

I don’t want to cause any undue concern, but the soft drink manufacturers in this country have finally gone off the deep end.

In a fascinating development that makes you wonder just how heavily medicated they really are, the marketing people responsible for messing around with a perfectly good formula at Coca Cola have announced that they will be releasing a green tea-flavored Coke as part of a test market in Tokyo later this month.  This in itself is not an unusual thing.  Green tea is a favored beverage of choice in Japan, second only to whatever kind of booze your average salaryman can get his hands on after work.

However, competition and free enterprise being what they are, the scary people at Pepsi Cola have also decided not to leave well enough alone and will be countering with a BASIL-flavored soda (“Now with MORE pesto!”).   Cultural differences aside, the only rationale I can come up with for this alarming turn of events is that these executives are spending more time smoking the ingredients than actually tasting them.  Either that, or they just really hate the Japanese.

I spent some time earlier in my career working for whatever advertising agency wasn’t going bankrupt that week, and the prevailing wisdom was that before you unleashed a new product on the poor, unsuspecting public, it was considered good form to ask some of them if they would actually like to have it first.  Focus groups and surveys were conducted where real human beings could try the product and, if most of them liked it, we knew we were on to something.  If there were any fatalities or injuries, we did what any responsible business would do:  we swept it under the rug.

But, times being what they are, budgets have been slashed and many companies just don’t bother to cover all the bases when it comes to consumer safety research.  Mostly, they turn to their marketing people, popularly known as the Strategic Guessing Department, who take a bunch of  highly suspicious “meetings” behind closed doors on the subject and then deliver a well-thought out, expertly-derived answer in the form of outrageous expense reports.  No one is positive, but I’m pretty sure this is how we wound up with the  Snuggie (“Dude, a blanket that you can wear like you made a mistake and put your robe on BACKWARDS?!  That TOTALLY rocks!”)

Anyway, it’s not enough that the world already hates us, right?  Now we’re foisting our image of what other cultures must like in a soft drink on them.  It’s only a matter of time before they branch out into other countries with condescendingly stereotypical flavors.  In fact it’s scarily close to playground taunting: “Hey Edinburgh! Haggis Cola hits the spot, filled with tripe and that’s a lot!”

Don’t anyone be surprised when Scotland declares war on us.

6 Comments leave one →
  1. Deb permalink*
    June 13, 2009 11:21 AM

    @ Kelly Brown: Thanks for the kudos, Kelly. Yes, it is copyright protected. Please do NOT re-print anything here without permission.

  2. June 12, 2009 8:49 PM

    I really like your post. Does it copyright protected?

  3. Mom and Dad permalink
    June 6, 2009 10:49 AM


  4. Betsy permalink
    June 5, 2009 2:27 PM

    hahahahaha…. but is it Kosher?

    • Mike Kirschner permalink
      June 5, 2009 5:25 PM

      In defence of the Snuggie. I think we should all wear one to Dunkin Donuts on the last day of school. It also works as a good tissue, napkin, table cloth or toilet paper if the facility is out and you have no singles

    • Fran Passik permalink
      June 5, 2009 6:51 PM

      Nu vuden!

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