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The Totally Groovy Truth Behind Crop Circles

July 3, 2009

_45969349_wallaby_apSome of us look to the ancient philosophers for the truth.  Some of us look to Oprah.  Me, I look to my readers, because without you guys I never would have stumbled upon a secret so dark, so filled with political intrigue, that it deserves to have it’s own documentary.  Or at least a sitcom.  And I’m about to blow this baby wide open.  This one will get me the Pulitzer for sure.

Your government is lying to you.  I know, you’re shocked.  I’ll give you a moment to recover.

People have been mystified about the appearance of crop circles in farm fields for a long time, and instead of looking at the patterns and thinking, “Given enough time, and alcohol, and a really fancy tractor, I could probably do that, too”, they turn to their government for explanation.  This is always a big mistake, because the government is very, very busy and has a lot of things to do, and could really use a break from the incessant whining and pesky question-asking of the general public.  So they placate us by coming up with a really juicy story and sending us back out to play.  In the case of the crop circles, they reviewed the aerial photos and came up with the most plausible answer they thought we would buy.

Aliens.  It must have been done by aliens.  Now go out and play, will you?

Well, I’m sorry, but that’s just not good enough for me.  The truth is out there, if only you know where to look for it, and  a BBC News article sent to me by reader Christine Susskind of Monroe, New York proves it.  These crop circles are not, I repeat NOT being caused by alien life forms leaving sophisticated, mysterious messages in our corn fields.

They’re being left by the wallabies, while they’re plastered out of their heads.

Apparently, there is a large part of the Australian island of Tasmania that is used to grow opium poppies for, as the Attorney General puts it, “medicinal use” (insert your sarcastic comeback here).  At night, when the wallabies are looking for a way to let their hair down after a long day of posing for cute photos and punching tourists in the groin for “America’s Funniest Home Videos”, hordes of them have been wandering into the fields to create what amounts to a Wallaby Woodstock.  After eating their share of poppies and “getting high as a kite”, as the A.G. likes to say with as straight a face as possible, the wallabies walk in circles for hours before passing out, face down, in the fields.  Put enough of these wallabies together and what have you got?

The potential for a big ol’ government cover-up, that’s what you’ve got. Because the government doesn’t want you to know about the wallabies.  The wallabies could spoil everything, with their hippie attitudes and their loose morals.  If you knew about the wallabies, you might start asking questions about the opium.  So we’re going to tell everyone it must be the aliens.  And when no one is looking, the wallabies will quietly disappear.

I hear the sheep are getting in on it, too.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. Robin O'Grady permalink
    July 10, 2009 6:37 PM

    Interesting theory on crop circles. Where do they come from anyway??? Can’t wait to hear your take on PMS>

  2. Fran Passik permalink
    July 3, 2009 3:29 PM

    Are you sure you and Mrs. Susskind haven’t been sampling the cooking wine?

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