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Not That We Don't Love Ryan Seacrest

April 15, 2010

I’m sure it comes as no surprise to anyone that the West Coast has been lying to us all along.

I’ve lived on the East Coast (mostly New York) my entire life, and I can remember being told on several alarming occasions by the news media that various parts of the West Coast (California) were expected to break off at any given moment, like a scene from a disaster movie.  As far as we East Coasters knew, natural phenomena like earthquakes along the deep cleavage of the San Andreas Fault (Raquel Welch) were going to separate the Coast from the rest of the country (Jimmy Stewart), and eventually it would sink into the Pacific Ocean (Tammy Faye Bakker), never to be heard from again.

Never trust a Coast that is more heavily armed than you are, is my new motto.  Not only hasn’t the state that brought us Lindsay Lohan and “Accidentally On Purpose” disappeared,  but it turns out that we’ve been looking in all the wrong places for weapons of mass destruction after all.  In fact, I think it’s safe to say that if any part of the country is going to break off and sink into an ocean it’s going to be the one that is picking mozzarella out of its teeth while filling out the on-line application to be on “The Biggest Loser”, if you know what I mean.  I say this because the very smart guys at FloatingSheep.org have developed a wonderful visual aid called The Great American Pizza Map, and it looks like this:

The Great American Pizza Map

Frankly, after studying this map, I feel that it’s time we East Coasters made peace with the West Coast.  Sure, we beat them out on sheer number of toppings free with a large pie and two-liter bottle of Sprite, but here’s my point:  We East Coasters have made fun of the West Coast for years, primarily for having Ryan Seacrest (Tab Hunter), but no one here is going to be laughing when the Uzi-carrying West Coast comes after us, assuming they get past the strip clubs that seem to be heavily concentrated in the cultural mecca of Las Vegas (Siegfried & Roy).  We won’t even be able to sprint down the block without wheezing, what with all that cheese clogging up our arteries.

And we’re worried about Guam tipping over.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. May 6, 2010 1:22 PM

    Great, thanks for sharing this blog article.Thanks Again. Cool.

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