Oddly Enough, It Was The Salad That Got Him In The End

This is getting scary.  And I owe you all a big apology.

A ticking time bomb?

A while back, I wrote about the introduction of a new sandwich from Kentucky Fried Chicken called the Double Down, which most people agreed was disgusting and unhealthy and clearly an attempt to kill off KFC’s customers and steal their estates (“… if you wouldn’t mind just signing this Power of Attorney form before you eat your delicious Double Down, sir, and by the way, would you like fries with that? Mwa ha ha ha ha….”)  The implicit message that I was humorously trying to get across here was that a sandwich made primarily of fried chicken, bacon, more bacon, cheese, additional cheese, still more fried chicken and topped off with something horrifyingly called “The Colonel’s Sauce” should be avoided at all costs if one wished to remain healthy or at least clinically “not dead” for the time being.

Well, that’ll teach you all to listen to me.  Turns out I was completely wrong on this one.  According to the scientists at the Glass Half-Empty Center For Science in the Public Interest, the leading culprit in the “Killer Foods” category is — wait for it — leafy green vegetables.  That’s right.  Lettuce.  Spinach.  Frisee, which is clearly not meant to be eaten anyway and actually makes a handy substitute for the Swiffer.  All the  healthy stuff your mother said was good for you.  Apparently, the stuff has more of a chance of being loaded with food-borne pathogens like E. coli, Norovirus and Salmonella than the food at KFC.

So, I apologize for the confusion.  If I have it right this time, our choices now are: gorging on fat-laden, vegetable-free foods like the Double Down that have been irradiated for our protection, OR eating healthfully and taking the somewhat sizable chance of dying a horrible death involving severe pain, uncontrollable vomiting and diarrhea, and intrusive medical intervention that won’t stop until you code out:

Doctor: I’m sorry, Mrs. Needleman, but your husband did not make it.  We did everything we could.

Mrs. Needleman: But Doctor, he was on such a healthy diet.  He ate only salad!

Doctor: I’m afraid that’s what did it, Ma’am.  He pooped out.  But he had the arteries of a twenty year old.